I wrote this a couple of months ago and I finally came around to sharing it. I think it's important to acknowledge that even when we are surrounded by love and happy occasions, sometimes it's hard to find joy. Sometimes grief can take over.
It's such a happy occasion. My awesome little man is a year older, a big boy now - a walking, talking, independent small human. I'm happy. I am. Except that I'm sad. My baby is growing up and I don't get to see another baby grow up. This is the only time I will have a 4-year old. I will never get to turn back the clock and get baby cuddles, have him fall asleep on me, breastfeed him to comfort him, tickle his chubby feet & hear him giggle for the first time, watch him learn to crawl, experience the joy of catching the cat for a cuddle and call her "my dat". All these vivid memories from his past - and it's special and happy and awesome. And sad.
He's in his room playing with his Duplo, narrating his play in a way only he can. It's comforting that I can always hear what he's doing & I know he's safe and happy. He actually asked me if he could please play special birthday Duplo. He is an amazing individual. Caring, empathetic, charming, quirky, adorable, intelligent. I love him so much and he brings me so much joy. I just wish I could have provided a sibling for him. I worry he'll be lonely growing up. I worry we will be a burden when he is older that he has no one to share with.
We're preparing for a birthday adventure to the Sky Tower, something that he's been looking forward to for years, I'm excited for him, I'm looking forward to seeing him experience this magical moment, but I also have this pain in the pit of my tummy. It makes me feel heavy and I don't like it. My baby is growing up and I was meant to have another. Our little girl was meant to be 4 months old now. Things were supposed to be different. Happy Birthday little man, I'm sorry that I feel this way, I promise I will try my best not to let it show and give you the best 4th birthday that you deserve.
We are a family of 3. This blog is the story of how we almost became 4, why we didn’t, and what we are doing to recover from that experience.