Get away

ANNAMARIE

So we had a weekend away.  It was something we both really needed and the timing couldn't have been better.  We'd had a month of illness in our house in the weeks leading up to our mini break.  First Sam had a week-long flu, then Nick & I caught a nasty virus that started as conjunctivitus and ended up with our bodies nearly shutting down.  Then Sam got sick again, this time with a tummy bug while he was staying with his Grandparents (we quarantined ourselves away from him so he didn't get it too) and had to come home to have Mama-comfort.  Then when we were all starting to get on the mend, I got had another gastro episode that knocked me for about 6 days.  So the school holidays were a bit of a bust for poor Sammy.

And because we'd had weeks of either being sick or being caregivers, both Nick and I were burnt out & little niggles that had been bugging us recently became bigger and we both felt like we weren't connecting as we should be.  So the opportunity to use some Airpoints and some money gifted to us by my in-laws for Christmas (thank you!) was extremely welcomed.  And having two sets of Grandparents willing to have our little man for 3 nights meant that we could go on a real adventure.

We decided to make our way to the South Island, namely the Catlins, because it's a beautiful part of the country and somewhere we'd never been.  And for us as a couple, going on an adventure together, experiencing new things is a great way to cement our bond.  So the weekend was a great opportunity to re-affirm what we love about each other, our shared sense of humour and everything we have in common.

We went on a road trip exploring wild beaches, lighthouses and caves.  We had a great time and came back this week feeling closer than we've been in a long time and more energised.  However, it wasn't all happy-happy Instagram perfect.  Because life isn't like that.  I wrote a post about on Saturday. Basically, this is what I said:.

Sometimes you have to fake your energy to get your body to catch up to your mind. We're having a mini break away from the big city & our mini human, we're seeing some amazing parts of the Catlins in the South Island but it is still a challenge to feel the physical energy to enjoy our experience like the old versions of ourselves before trauma and PTSD came calling.
But you've got to keep faking it to tell your mind body & soul that it's going to be ok to live your life. One day it will get the message.

At the moment I'm doing a wellness course called My Good Life and a big part of the journey on this course is understanding what's going on in my mind and empowering myself through understanding, self compassion and gratitude.  So understanding what really makes my heart sing, what makes me feel good, whether it be environment, relationships, exercise or food is basically what I'm spending my time doing.  According to the PH360 study that we're using (which FYI is an eye opener so watch this space for me to talk about it more, because it's amazing!), wide open spaces and a cooler climate is the perfect getaway for me, so this couldn't have been set up better for me to enjoy myself. 

And I absolutely did enjoy myself, it was the perfect environment, the perfect company and while my mind was happy and energised in a way it hasn't in a while, my body was still exhausted.  And at times I felt frustrated and angry at my body for holding me back (like when Nick literally had to push me back 1.5kms up a hill).  However, part of my journey is accepting my current situation and treating myself with kindness.  My goal this week is to stop feeling bad about what I "should" be doing, stop comparing my journey to other people's or my own unrealistic expectation of what I'm supposed to be doing.

That's the thing about trauma, about PTSD, about grief.  Your body and mind sometimes feel disjointed, especially in my case as my trauma is intricately wound up with illness and what my body has been through.  So I'm learning to pace myself, to be okay with my own limitations and be okay with my current status.  Small steps, day by day.  I can't force my journey to go quicker than I want it to, I can only take on board all  the tools I've been given and everything I've learnt and use them to take one day at a time